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Happy New Year! 

Map tattoo: Check! Finally!! Just a little happy news. Though that's not the point of my post.

Here we go.
 
So, you know about this HUGE raincloud over my head about what I'm going to do with my life.  I always seem to be ranting about my life and my choices on this blog, plus I change my mind all the time. Sorry guys :(.

Well, now there are new additions.

Grad school for visual arts at UBC? I'm going to see how this term goes during my art courses, and see if I feel some level of confidence in my artistic skills and creativity. I have a lot to learn still. Also, it'd be an appointment with an advisor, and three years of grad school. If I get a masters, that means I can teach at a university. Teaching at a university? Pretty lucrative. Teaching something that I enjoy myself? While also being able to continue art the whole time? Pretty awesome. If I ever have kids, they won't have to pay for school. Yeah, pretty damn awesome.
I'm probably going to stay with my parents for the next while, though moving out is much better for my privacy and independence, I feel it truly is the smarter choice. Why would I want to pay rent if I don't have to? Also, it's a matter of safety too for my family, especially since it's just the three of us in our house, plus 3 tenants downstairs, so it'd be good to have everyone there in case anything happens.
If I were to move out, I would want to be able to at least put a down payment on a rad place of my own.

Embalmer. Funeral Director.

Now, this is a pretty new thought. I can thank Levy Tran for this idea, as she was an apprentice embalmer, and I researched it as a potential lucrative job, and it sounds morbidly appealing, as people do die everyday... The only thing is that I don't know how I would be able to handle working with the dead. I've never seen a dead body, nor have I ever been to a funeral. I am also extremely scared of ghosts, spirits, demons, the supernatural in general. However, my "clients" would never judge my tattoos, once I eventually move on to the visible ones, that is if I stick to embalming only, though as a funeral director, I'd probably be wearing long-sleeved, covered, almost formal/business attire when I'm with clients. 
Another thing is, this also sparked an interest in researching the environmental issues surrounding the funeral industry, like what is being buried in the earth - a casket made of varnished, stained hard wood, metals like copper and bronze (maybe even gold), silks, satins, and a dead body that has been filled with embalming fluids, containing chemicals like formaldehyde and ethanol. I still want to do more research into this, but wouldn't it be so interesting to take mortuary science classes?

Costume has been part of my life now for the past few years, but I feel like that fire is not burning so hot. I feel inadequate, untalented, self-conscious, insecure, and unsure of whether this is my true passion anymore. It's been turning over and over in my head since the summer, and I don't know what to think anymore. Just this past fall I did costume and wardrobe assisting on two major and really cool productions, both different, both rewarding in their own ways. Also, I got accepted into an internship with the Arts Club for a show that will be up in June, called Xanadu. That's a pretty big deal! I feel like I could WORK in the industry, but when it comes to DESIGNS, I feel extremely sub-par. I used to love creating and sewing in my own time, in my own space, for myself and friends in high school, and maybe that's all I want to stick to. Nowadays I've been thinking more about wanting a lucrative job, with the ability to be creative and productive when I'm not working.

I wanted to do a masters in costume design, but I don't want to do it at UBC (after witnessing what the grad students seemed to go through..), and places where I'd probably make the most out of it would be New York and/or London. Almost every single costume designer out there who's made it big in the theatre and film industry have come out of New York and/or London, but those cities are expensive, not only to study, but to live in. Also, I'd be competing with the rest of the world. Now you know why I feel sub-par? Feeling sub-par isn't helping me encourage myself to do better, I realize that, yes. 

Fuck.

What am I doing?


Next post will be something that makes me happy. Like an updated list of tattoos I want to get, or maybe I'll post pictures of DOMO and my sock monkey.